Busy

Busy by moochie.

Heart keeps pounding

Uneasy chest

Life keeps having

A reason not to rest

Silver linings

Longing for your caress

Heart keeps pounding

Love is suppressed

"weird"

People keep calling me weird and crazy. And now, ive started to feel abnormal if they dnt. Fact is, i am weird and so is everybody else. Truth be told, nthng is normal and nthng shud be normal. Living is nt lvng if u dnt take sme risks.

look around you, people. the best things in life are the oddest things, the most beautiful places are the weirdest of structures.. and the funniest faces are sometimes the most adorable romances.

I am weird. And im glad and proud to be weird. And i thank God im nt boring.

So the next time sum1 cals me weird, i hav to thank them and promse to keep it up. ;)

while polishing my nails:

i've been a bum for a month now and i've started a lot of new hobbies to pass my time and to add a little spice to my less than india-jones-exciting-type-of life. one of those things i started (or should i say, reacquainted myself) is nail polish.

it's been 1 week since i (re)started. and what i realized is that...

how i put nail polish is much like how i should go about with life.

in painting my hands i had to do it: one finger at a time. one color at a time. one layer at a time. it was always one at a time. i could not do them all at once. moreover i had to do them carefully and patiently. i had to take each finger seriously because that's how you complete the look--- all fingers should look the same even though their different. it's kinda vague, but what i mean is that nothing should be off so that the look of your nails is uniform and pleasing to the eyes.

and while doing it, it really made me appreciate the virtue of patience and the value of being patience. each time i paint a finger, i have to let it dry first before i put on the next coating. i have to wait about 5-10 minutes or more so that the coat can dry properly. and sure, 5-10 minutes doesn't seem that long, but sometimes it can seem forever for me... (i am a bit impatient.hihihi) but then i realized that impatience only works for the worst of me, because in order for me to get that really stunning and smooth polished nails--- i have to wait for the paint to properly dry so that when i put on the next coating, the nail polish would be harder and would not behave like clay (like when it gets too think and does not dry properly)...

and... i realized that.. sometimes i could be so over the top because i want a lot of things and i want to do a lot of things... but sometimes the answer to my impatience problem is just right infront of me (my fingers) HAHAHAHA.

because... all i have to do when my priorities confuse me is PRIORITIZE and evaluate which 'finger' should i 'paint' first. i can't do them all at once... so i should choose and do it all but one at a time.

take care

take care of the people you love. it's hard to find good people nowadays... so when you do... never take them for granted and take care of them as well as yourself. life is more worthwhile if you have good people to share it with at the end of a very hectic day. ;) you have no idea what the value of a good friend is until one day you lose and miss them. don't let that happen. i won't.

Nerd For Life

It’s been how long since I ended my internship, submitted my OJT documents, and officially ended my academic stay in DLSU. I’ve been a bum for a couple of months now. My daily task is to think of things to do, places to go to, people to see, and stuff to productively accomplish. It’s not as easy as it looks, but it is (A HELL OF A LOT ) less stressful than my previous to-the-dot planned days when I was still a full-time student in DLSU.

Now, I have freedom, space and even time for myself. Honestly, I love it—I MEAN WHO WOULDN’T??? I’m a workaholic—I like it that way and I love my life that way, but there came a time in the chaos of the hell TERMS, that I felt that I forgot myself: who I was, what I liked, the things I loved, and so on.

Now it’s different—I don’t have a syllabus anymore—SO NOW I get to decide what my life’s curriculum and performance-measures will be. Holistic is what I’m going for, well-rounded is what I aim for. I want to be able to synchronize all my interests so that they may be able to complement each other and inevitably help me become a better person/student/individual/daughter/worker/career woman.





It’s funny that I’ve been out of school for quite some time now, but still I’ve been learning so much, even more because I am now getting to apply the theories and fundamentals that I once memorized, noted, and recited in class.

And I’ve come to realize that it’s really important to keep on learning because we can never know enough. My mom has told me time and again that I should always strive to be better to keep on doing good, and now that I've been out in the real world for some time now, experience and day-to-day living has further strengthened that concept in my mind. There will always be new things to discover, new fields to study, new lands to conquer, new aspects to investigate, and new perspectives to examine. Just knowing that is humbling and motivating—to make me keep working hard and harder just to be good enough—that no matter what success you have now after a while if you don’t improve it or keep on succeeding then that confined-moment of victory would only be left in the past and would serve as no use to us anymore.

Almost every day I keep meeting new people and old people keep introducing themselves to me in new ways. I like learning about people and of people. I like learning, in general.

And I guess that is my promise to myself, to never stop learning. In the new worlds that I will soon venture into, the fact that I am a learner is both my shield and my weapon. I am humble enough to admit that I don’t know everything but I am confident enough that I can try.

SO! LOUD AND PROUD! I want to be a nerd for life. ;) HAHAHAHAHAHA


**disclaimer:
forgive me for stereotyping, it is not in my intention to offend nor to stereotype. the word nerd was used to add color and humor. hihihihi ;)

I hate "WORK"

if you know me and you know where i work— let’s just make this clear: no, i don’t hate my work— it’s just don’t prefer the word “work.”

Just from hearing the word, already connotes something most probably exhausting and time consuming. The word, from our preconceived (slash) ill-conceived notions of it, already exudes a black-and-white dull plus burdening feeling JUST FROM HEARING IT!

And if you’re a “workaholic” like me or used to be: then most probably images of stress and sleepless nights will spring into your head the moment you hear the word especially when you’re on vacation. Well, don’t get me wrong because personally i do love working but when your just transitioning from a short vacation to going back to the office and you still have that vacay-hangover well, then I propose that we change the phrase: Back To Work to back to play with pay. hahahaha

yes i know it’s longer… and probably it’ll take a little more WORK to say but then… doesn’t it just make you smile— thinking that after vacation you’ll be going back to PLAY WITH PAY.

it’s the same office, same type of work— so nothing changes EXCEPT your perspective on the whole thing.

longer phrase yet doesn’t it make you look forward more? hahahaha

The One Thing I Hate About Vacations is that: THEY END!

The One Thing I Hate About Vacations is that: THEY END!

I’m always like this, every after long breaks from either school or work I get nervous to go back. It’s like the first day of school all over again. Most of the time I just ignore the F-ing irritating feeling of butterflies in your stomach and most of the time it works but i am kind of getting tired of having it in the first place. (hahaha)

What is it with me and first days? I’ve been to a ton of schools already, and yes i have had a lot of first days already but i don’t know what is it with me and “first days” that i get nervous even though i’m just coming back from vacation. (hahaha)

weird isn’t it? hahaha and yes, i do just laugh about it but yeah. it can be a bother sometimes. :))

Problem: I can't remember that song

Do you know what my problem is? (well, I have a lot of problems)

BUT RIGHT NOW... WHAT IS BUGGING ME IS THAT I CAN’T remember the song I was singing in the shower. ARGGGG!!!!!!

See, I love music (everybody who knows me knows that). My dad was a bad-ass DJ and my mom fell in love with the bad-ass DJ... Music made me. Anyways.

When I hear a song, I don’t just hear the lyrics-- I also hear the story behind it. It’s a bit automatic for me, that when I hear the words I see the story. SOOO when I sing, I see the song and story... SOOO it’s a bit hard for me to remember the lyrics. AND THAT’S MY PROBLEM.

Wala pa kasing search engine that searches for the story of the song. HAHAHA.

My problem is that when I look for the song, I describe the story, the emotion and I barely remember the lyrics. HAHAHA. Soo see? How hard it is for me. HAHAHA

NOW. I can’t remember that song I was singing... Arggg. Pano ako makakatulog nito?! hahaha

note: there is nothing special about this song, i just can't bear the thought that i can't remember something that i am trying desperately to recall. it's a tantalizing feeling, knowing that i once sang the song but now i can't f-ing remember it. arggg. this always happens to me, i never learn. ugh.

next time i should always have a water-proof pen and paper with me at all times especially in the shower. HAHAHA

Do things once, do it great

"Do things once, do it great, regret nothing but reflect on everything and learn all you can.”

So far, I regret nothing in my life because every moment has acted as a building block to where I am, who I am and what I am today. I am a happy, eccentric, extrovert, strong, independent-thinker, Lasallian student. So far I’ve lived every moment to it’s fullest. I’ve been mad, happy, in love, infatuated, crazy, stressed and fulfilled and I’m still looking forward to do those things again.

“Do it once” to me means we only get a shot in life and a shot in everything. There are no second chances there are only make-ups. In everything we do we only get one shot at it; one chance to do one task at a time so might as well do it great and not waste time on producing more waste.

“Do it great” means we must try to be great in life and in everything we venture into. If we’re mad we must be effective in communicate our anger or resentment, if we’re sorry, happy, sad, lonely, proud the same concept applies—we must also be great in it. We must lose ourselves in life, and experience every moment properly and enjoy it for the experience. We must appreciate all the turmoil and joy we experience. We must get all that we can from each mistake, enjoyment, victory, defeat, death, birth, and so on. I don’t expect life or I to be perfect. I accept the fact that life is a mess, sometimes we can be messy in it but then we should always know when to move on.

“Regret nothing” because regret will only waste your time wishing for something that will never be, but then if you “reflect on everything” then you will be able to learn from every situation.

“Learn all you can” means that we must live life open eyed and aware, of our selves, our environment and how our environment and ourselves interact with each other.

“Decisions will not always be between the good and the bad, most of the time it’s between the lesser evil or the greater good, I just have to decide which decision will improve my life but I won’t regret the next day.”

Still adjusting to office life.

Still adjusting to office life.

I have written many drafts that were a mostly about how I do not “PREFER” life boxed up in a cramped office, or how the office is a dead-end boring place but then I risk posting things that I may regret in the long run.

In all honestly, all I am really feeling is the pain from a pinch from resistance and a punch from reality. I am still adjusting to office life. I am not used to boring workspaces and quiet corners. I am not the quiet type and neither have I ever been that type. WORK HAS ALWAYS BEEN FUN FOR ME because I always worked with good and fun friends, noise was never an issue for as long as the quality of my work was never compromised.

I have always found work fun, even though I do not always admit it (because I do not want to risk being called a bigger nerd than I already am hahaha). BUT it is true, studying, programming, and other stuff has always been fun for me because I made fun out of it. Let’s just put it this way I am a bit unique, where else can you find someone like me, who can laugh really loud in the face of her problems, who can still smile in crazy situations, who can still be happy even if the world seems sooo bad??

Anyways, when life gets boring I do adapt, like when I was still an academic student: if my books get a bit boring, I sing the lines; If programming gets irritating I word-slur my computer; If reviewing for an exam gets too tiresome for me I draw on my review sheet; and other things like that that kept me from burning out every time the HEAT in DLSU gets to hot.

Generally speaking, everyone I worked with and even the professors I’ve met have always let me go about my weird (but I do like to think they’re effective) working habits and ways. People just let me be because they know that I never do slack off nor do I compromise quantity nor quality. I am a good and hard worker, but more importantly I am humble enough to learn more--- ALL I AM NOT IS BORING AND THAT IS WHAT I CANNOT STAND!

So, right now I am in a transition period from college to corporate. I know I can survive this. I am already adjusting to it and getting happier by the minute. Apparently I have some bibbo office-mates that I once thought were serious.

I am just human, I do need to adjust and it takes time. The only thing that I fear is that people, who don’t know me, might think I’m a bit of a slacker because of my preference for fun and the arts. But then, it’s okay because I still do need to prove my worth in this company. I just hope they don’t judge me before they get to know me. I could be a little bit over the top sometimes, but that’s my greatest asset. My greatest selling point is my ability to put color in my life no matter how black and white it becomes and I cannot lose that.

And for the record:

No matter how complicated life gets or seems to be, it's always the simple things that make a hectic day worthwhile. And of all the things that will change in my life, I hang onto my youth and essence the most-- i cannot lose my "self" in this dog-eat-dog world.

I love music, movies, cars, techs and stuff. I love walking to the mall and it doesn’t matter if I shop or not. I love having fun, in general: with or without booze. I am the type that would sing in a silent room and go with the tunes in my iPod. I’m not shy (at all). I am, for the longest time, who I am-- I know that is a bit vague but then all I really want in my life is to succeed without having to change too much of my essence. I embrace improvement suggestions, criticisms, and other stuff that would cause me to change for the better-- but then a lot of those wouldn’t have anything to do with who I am. I do believe that I can follow the ‘rules’ and be creative at the same time. I am no conservative, but I do respect the bounds of the society that I belong to and adapt to that challenge.

History has always rewarded bold and different people, and that is what I hope for.

So as i go back to work this monday-- I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT BEING MORE FUN AND SPECTACULARLY AMAZING! HAHAHAHAHA (a dose of positivity to get me going and keep me breathing more importantly keep me sane! hahahaha)

Learning how to use smileys

honestly, i don't find much use for smileys, but then my friends tell me that i should use smileys more often because it connotes the current mood that i am in. This, i find weird because putting a ":)" or a ":(" should be implied in the words i use and the current conversation i am in, but then again, i guess sometimes it's not enough. hehehe :)

i guess, in this day and age of technological advancement even a smiling face can be sent through a different form.... i guess if it makes people happy for me to put smileys in my texts and yms, then why not.

so here i am now, in the process of learning how to use smileys more often... hehehe but not always... i like being formal (in texts, emails and yms) especially when I'm communicating instructions, hence i can't always use smileys. hehehe. :)

also, i'm not really happy when i'm passing on to-dos and division of labor, sooo i really can't see the point why i should... hehehe. but then again, i guess i should do my part to try and be encouraging and enlightening to the people i'm giving the instructions and to-dos to. hahaha :))

actually--- of course i know how to use smileys... kaya lang my n95 is a serious phone. it doesnt have those built in smiley insert functions that some of the newer phones today have... and n95 is a business phone, so i really don't think it was made to put smileys in text messages. hahaha :))

and here's the thing. i really hate texting. i prefer im-ing, emailing or calling. i hate texting because the keypad of my n95 bruises my thumb. this is no joke. it really does and that's largely the reason why i keep my texts as short and concise as possible.

as in my thumb turns white, blue and so on.. i don't want to describe it but then in the year i've had my cellphone, every time it's text peak season for me, my thumb looks like a carpenter's thumb.... it's not a pretty picture--- and that is why i avoid texting as often as i can... and here's the thing... in the month i used my sister's 6300 my thumb healed... sooo it's really my thumb and n95 that doesn't match... hehehe :))

but then, still i am learning... to spend a few extra seconds inserting smileys at the end of some of my text messages...

if sending a smile means people smiling back at their text messages, then why not.

if sending a smile means people knowing that i'm not mad or something, then why not.

if sending a smile means people feeling better reading my texts, then why not.

but then, give me the benefit of sending smiley-free formal instructions; smiley-free academic-update texts; smiley-free urgent messages such as: "wer u?"s and so on... hahahahaha

depende talaga sa mood eh... ahhahaa labo noh?

i can't always put smileys. i mean i can only smile when i mean it. hahaha :)) =))

it's easier to put smileys in IMs and in Emails... i find it easier to type then to text. as in Text lang talaga ang dko maxadong matiis lagyan ng smiley kasi it bruises my thumb nga. hahaha. In IMs the ":)" and "=))" are almost as automatic as when i smile and laugh in person. hahaha. it's far easier tlaga to type than to text.

so here, i have some questions....

does sending a smiley make the reply/message more polite?

does sending a smiley connote a smile?

i really don't know... i guess i have to read more about smiley-psychology...

but in the mean while, i guess it wouldn't be too hard to put ":)" in the messages i send. hahaha. and besides. i already have a template for it. hahaha.

What you risk reveals what you value.

i read nina's stat the other day... and still until now, it's stuck right there in my head.

simple yet striking.

"What you risk reveals what you value"

she said it was a quote from Jeannette Winterson's The passion. i have yet to read the book, but most probably this summer i will be reading it---- at my quiet spot or in some lobby holding a book and a drink. hahaha

anyways... back to the quote.

"what you risk reveals what you value"

my gad. i've risked a lot of things in my life, i've lost a lot too. but maybe that's the reason why i don't have any regrets.... because so far, i've made the choices in my life that prioritizes the things i value, and i leave to risk the things that i dont...

things come in the cost of other things. i guess that's life, you can't have everything....

it's scary to think that i could have once risked the things that i greatly value.... good thing i didn't lose them. :)

and as for the things i've risked and lost, i guest i didn't really value them in the first place.

I almost paid 30,000 in Abenson because of my Stupidity

There i was in Glorietta 5... looking for a phone for my sister because apparently she needs my support when she picks one. I wasn't even supposed to be there. My heart was set on staying home for the day, i woke up late and had no plans to go out... but then my mom and sister just had to drag me out of bed and get my lazy ass to the car.

and so i went with them. Forced and not happy about it-- i went to the mall to help my sister look for a phone.

note: i already gave her a suggestion. i told her to buy an iphone and let me use it. and if she buys and iphone it's as if she killed two birds with one stone, i get to satisfy my iphone-curiosity and at the same time she gets an iphone. everybody happy.

but then--- she goes on and tells me that she wants a flip phone. MY GAD. i called her a flip. during a time when SLIDE phones are the most common phones and dubbed as the 'hottest' phones around.... she goes on and looks for a flip phone. I was in utter awe of her mind set. Looking for a flip years after the height of the flip high. Do you know how many new flips are out now? I can tell you-- NOT MUCH! they're all slides and touch screens. hay nako.

anyways... back to my story.

SO there i was in Abenson G5. supposedly minding my own business, i strayed from the cellphone area to the digital camcorder displays. A canon dvd cam caught my eye. I took the 30K canon dvd camcorder and said to myself-- "this would make a good gift for myself..." hahaha. i also thought that dvdcam prices have gone significantly down, because years ago you wont find canon dvdcams lower than 50K...

anyways... soo there i was appreciating the camera and its brilliant lcd display. andOOOPPS! THERE I WAS. MY LIFE FLASHED BEFORE ME.

When i was closing the LCD some fucking part of the camera dropped. and for a minute there it was as if all the blood in my body was gone and all the life was sucked out of me. i couldn't breath but my heart was pounding faster than when i see my crush... ahhaa. i wasn't moving but i my face was perspiring. I felt that i was getting paler by the minute. The FUCK! i was scared shitless.

I imagined my mom's lecture, my dad's face. SHIT. hahaha. SCARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so for X minutes there... i stood and stared at the part that left the camera... thinking--- it wasn't my fault that it fell, it just so happens that i was the one holding it when it fell. and on i thought about other stupid excuses that i can use to save my ass from the hell i placed myself in.

i thought maybe if i got mad first then maybe i could get save my sorry ass first. orrrr maybe if i cried i could be easier to forgive... OR maybe if i came out straight then maybe they'd go easier on me.. BUT Then... still my mom's reaction would be a sight to see.

but then my mind shifted off course, i began thinking of the effects that my actions might lead me to and.... i imagined my face being posted in the walls of glorietta. "DO NOT LET THIS GIRL TOUCH THE CAMERAS" was the caption i imagined to go with my mug shot. I was near to tears...

WHEN.... the personnel came to me and said.

"MA'am natatangal po talaga yan."

-----------------------

what a relief. i bet the person watching the CCTV laughed his/her ass out when they saw my face.

THE FUCK nmn kasi. i thought for X minutes there that i broke it. hahahaha!! ARGGGGG. hahahaha

i will never play with expensive things for display anymore.

i kept remembering.... i'm of legal age already... i could get into deep shit if i don't let my good judgement rule over my naive and utter stupidity. hahahahhaha

Conversing with baby moochie

I’ve been converting old home videos for a while now… and as i watch the videos of my past it's like im was in a conversation with a life not that well known to me. i know it was me in the video but it's my first time to actually understand how i lived when i was a baby... i always knew that i was loved and taken care of but i never knew to what extent... syempre wala pa akong isip non... everything was just a blur to me. So now that i've been watching with open eyes and mind... I’ve realized a lot…

One is that my dad must really love me, to actually video tape my growth from infancy to teen years. It really gave me a new appreciation for him. What can I say?! He really documented my life, and I’m very grateful… (makes me think on how I can ever pay him back or at least return the favor)

Another is that, PARENTING is no laughing matter… my gash, there are too many factors to consider before you’d even try to venture into this crazy world of parenting. In watching the video, I saw the patience, love, trust and more patience that my parents showed me. And the TIME they invested in me was incomparable; playing with me, taking me to a lot of places; letting me loose in the house; feeding me; taking care of me; and so on. It was as if I was the center of their universe, and as narcissistic or self-conceited as that may sound, it was the message I got in the video… imagine I was video taped around everyday and my baby life wasn’t that exciting… it was basically me walking, laughing, crying, eating, crying, eating and laughing some more, it wasn’t as if I was doing gymnastics or stunts or whatever, it was just me being a baby and my dad took the time to actually be there with me and tape that… I really admire how they loved me. I guess, I use the term unconditional love so loosely that it made me fail to realize what it actually meant. And in watching the videos, I saw how this vague concept of an ‘unconditional’ kind of love was in application… it’s one thing to know the theory, it’s really a whole different experience to see in application.

Moreover, it makes me look so foolish when I think back and remember how much of a pain in the A@# I was during puberty. I talked back, said nasty things and so on… I even went to a period where I was in the ‘only my friend understand me’ stage… and ‘I hate you’ period… I’m a very dramatic child (a polite way of saying na ang dami kong kaartehan)… nung times naman kasi na nagmamatigas ako, usually I’m blinded by the situation or event… it’s hard to have big picture view at that time, especially because I was just a kid! I didn’t know much, and neither did I appreciate much nor realize how much I’ve been given… in short, I took a lot of things from granted… now I’m trying to be more grateful… another word with a new meaning for me is ‘spoiled’ and ‘brat’ ehhehe. Malay ko ba. I was once referred to as spoiled, and at that time it never occurred to me as an insult or whatever. It was for me, just a word. But now I know why they once called me that… and it’s because I was spoiled and I took a lot of things for granted… I lacked appreciation for my good fortune… I guess I was too caught up in asking for more, that I failed to realize that I already had a lot on my hands…

Ngayon din alam ko na kung bakit ako close sa parents ko. It is because they raised me close to them. They were the ones who made me feel that I could turn to them when I wanted or needed. Because all the while I thought it was me who opened up to them and chose to be close to them, I guess I was mistaken. My Parents designed the structure or culture in our home, in a way that made them available to me. My dad was always at home and his real office was just next door; while my mom really stayed with me and took care of me as a housewife. They practically trained me to be close to them.

I guess my mom must have really wanted me (to have a baby) because she could have been a successful lawyer or whatever but she chose to stay at home and be with me. And I’m very grateful. Maybe my mom was the type that really wanted a kid, and I know that that was what made here such a great mom. It was because she wanted me and not because she just had me. So in a way, I guess, I came from passion and love.. because not all mothers wanted to be a mother… (some are half-hearted, some really didn’t want to, some are confused and so on…) I guess, it’s already something to be brought into life but it’s a whole different feeling to be born and welcomed into life with open arms. I’m at awe, on how lucky I am to belong to one of those mothers who’s life passion is in motherhood.

And now that I know all these… I must put knowledge into good use otherwise it’ll be useless.

A hard decision to quit.

I remembered when I quit GMG. It was one of the hardest and best decisions in my life, to date. BUT don’t get me wrong-- IT WASN’T AN EASY DECISION TO QUIT, I CAN TELL YOU THAT.I’m not the type that would find quitting, an easy decision or even a preferred choice. Moreover, I did in fact enjoy the people as much as being part of that organization.

For the record, I loved every moment, every project, and every task given to me in GMG.I learned a lot there and made a lot of friends.Thus, the decision to quit was purely a question of priority and integrity. I can’t serve two masters at the same—I would like to think that I am a good multi-tasker but then, things come with consequences. If I was able to balance acads and gmg it could have come at the cost of my friends or family… anyways I can’t ponder on the thing that could have been, at least I’m already happy to the things that are.

I joined out of interest and I left out of priorities; knowing that I can’t be in all places at the same time and that I can’t have “wings and roots” at the same time. I have absolutely nothing against the people and the organization.

That’s why it was a hard decision, because not only did I love the people but I also loved my job and the organization itself. But why did I say that it was the BEST decision I made? It is because IT WAS THE HARDEST I’VE EVER MADE and I made it. It’s not easy to quit, even though some people think it is, but at that time I had to. I had different things that I wanted, and it would have been inconsiderate of me to stay in an organization and be a burden to them. I’m happy about that decision, at least I left GMG with good feelings—and I can say, that it ended good. It wont always make you less of a person if you know how to QUIT... It's just like the decisions to say no and no more... i was humbled when i quit, it was the moment that my self and I realized that i'm not a superwoman, i can't always rule my world and still have time for other stuff.

*** the deal with time is that, it comes at a price of other things. Choices and options are words that were coined to mean that choosing means putting one after the other.

Anyways, the lesson in this story is that—we can’t have everything because all things come at a cost of other things. We can only allot so much time—it is always a question of priority and better judgment.

I left gmg, because I didn’t want to be a pain and burden to that organization, my family, friends and myself. I realized at that moment that I had choice to have a little of everything or have a lot of only a few things.

Being too hectic, costs me rest, time with my friends, family and myself—although it is a challenge, it’s not always the better decision to do everything and live life in the fast lane, because when your in a rush in everything—you lose the feeling of the moments that pass... regret comes when you think now, that you could have spent a second more somewhere else.

i never did regret my decision to quit-- some opportunities came to me after i did. I also never did regret joining and spending time there.

Time doesn’t always have to be managed—sometimes they also have to be cherished. When we think we're on top of things, that's usually the time we fall the hardest.

But anyways, these are just reflections... i could be wrong.

Failure

Got rejected? Snub? Or maybe you quit? Or did you fail an exam? A course? How about yourself? Didn’t reach that dream GPA? Or maybe GREATWKS was just as a big piss-off for you as it was for me? Hahaha.

There are many other forms of failure, whether you were rejected, or you were the one who rejected something or someone—all forms of failure are heavy in the heart and burdensome to the mind.

I would be a hypocrite to say that failure, in any form, does not hurt--- because it does. To some point, it gives us a heavy feeling— “why was I not good enough?”

But then I think, to take a step from myself and my world to reevaluate the situation I am in. Experience has shown me that certain situations in life should not drown me or overcome my better person.

Failure is just a harsh form of opportunity used to humble people and challenge us to the best of our abilities. It’s that thing in life that bumps us in the head to tell us—“ just look a bit closer to see the beauty of this situation.” And then I think that, it would be in our good thinking to look at failure as a forceful form of a challenge— or even more like a bedeviled opportunity. After all, what is life but our journey to better ourselves?

In the light of this, it brings me to one of my favorite quotes: “it is in their lowest points, that great men do great things.” Success has always been weighted based on how we stand from falling; from how we learn to walk from crawling-- dynasties, empires, civilizations, even down to that one person—has always relied on the people’s ability to learn and improve. Anyways, I couldn’t imagine success existing in a life of nothing but prosperity…

Hmm.

I don’t think anything I said above solves my problem right now. And I do admit that nothing I ever write will, this is a mere theory—I have to remember that the harder part is to live it in application and not let my better knowledge interfere with my ability to live in reality. Nothing is as good in theory as it is in application. Words can never express things we actually prove to ourselves and to others.

A Defining Moment

Heart crushed. Blood pumping. Eyes Melting. Body crippled. It was as if my college life was flashed before me. Feeling down yet intensely emotional. Unsure and weary yet still strong willed and determined. What will happen now?

I was late for the OCCS career talk, an alternative class for PERSEF3.

All my life I try my best to be on time and the one time I’m late is the one time it counts. I cannot express in words how pissed off I am, of everything. Of course, I’d usually tell myself “SHIT happens in life” but this really stinks as hell. It’s as if I step on to the fertilizer world, now I’m covered with bullshit.

But you know what, after that one-hour word-trashing session with Carina, I felt a bit better.

And now, all I know is that I will never ever be late in my life again.

“We are the decision we make”—I’ve known that for a long time now, but it seems that I came short in execution. It would appear that I really didn’t understand it.

I hate it, I hate this feeling I have right now—pissed off to the ultimate level yet trying hard to be diplomatic and rational. I keep wanting to say ‘it’s not my fault’; ‘I don’t understand’; or even ‘why the fuck did this happen to me’ but then my better being keeps whispering to my ear and consciousness that--- it is my fault and I deserve it.

It’s amazing how the smallest decision I made during the morning affected me immensely. Consistency is what I lacked; and it’s funny because all this time Consistency is what I’ve been trying to achieve. I’ve been a mediocre to my own values; I’m a hypocrite with my own beliefs.

I was half asleep when my mom woke me up at 7:00am but then I said to myself ‘why not extend my sleep a little bit more’—so I did. I rose from my bed at 7:15am. I took a bath and dressed up—I was done at 7:40am. And here’s the funny thing I even told the made to re-iron my clothes. I waited a couple of minutes just so that my clothes were wrinkle free. Anyways, I was in no rush—I observed all my usual morning rituals—I drank coffee, brushed my teeth, and prepared my stuff. I left my house at 7:50am. I was already in the Benilde-St. Scho area when the clock struck 8:00am. I reached school by 8:10--- and finally got to the classroom by 8:15am. I was 15 minutes late. And It was amazing how much I was so aware of the time. Stupid me, I was aware but I didn’t value my awareness—I failed to act on the information I knew.

So now, I’m letting go of the grief, anger and self-pity—but I will never forget about this defining day of February 21, 2009.

The Family I Dream of Having (or haven't yet)

To be honest, I have yet to fully comprehend my dreams of having a family one day. I am too happy with the one I have now. My mom, dad and sister are all I can ask for in the world. God has already blessed me with so much love through my family. I feel his presence through them and the unconditional love the make me feel. They are my life. I have always been given love, it is the first thing I ever knew—I never had to look for it, dream of it or aspire for it.

My life has always revolved around the one that I have now. No plans for future procreation have been made in my head. I am young, talented, and smart. I have bright and exciting future ahead of me, settling down is nowhere close my near future. Why should I deprive myself of my youth? I am 19 years old, having a family comes long after I graduate. I have to finish my thesis first, work for a while after, then travel the world later.

I am woman of strength and courage. I am an independent-thinker. I am a Catholic Filipino woman, bounded and respectful to the conservative society of which I belong to yet struggling to break-free in the confines of over-board traditional mentality. I am hardly the apple of a patriarchal society’s eye.

I am still young and restless, impatient and sometimes unkind. I still have to grow and improve as a person. I am imperfect in all of my ways although I strive for perfection. I have much, much more to look forward, for I look forward to the world. I am nowhere near ready to settle down but I do acknowledge the fact that someday I might be. I just have to live my life first and enjoy the world before I even think of committing the rest of my life to a marriage and a family.

Although I am not anti-marriage; I just don’t see marriage in my life right now. And don’t get me wrong I do believe in marriage, and what it stands for however what I don’t agree with are the people who are box-headed and closed-minded about this system. I am of course referring to Filipino conservative society’s belief that a woman should be married, be a housewife, have kids and tend to her husband for the rest of eternity. I am hardly the slave type.

Marriage is a wonderful thing between a man and a woman, but our patriarchal society has soiled its purity. Marriage is also not the only solution for love. Love can be shown in a myriad of ways, marriage is a commitment not just to love each other forever but also love the life of each other. I may not have plans for marriage right now, but I have greater respect for marriage than a lot of lovesick couples that enter it without knowing the responsibilities behind the party and the gown. I respect the commitment, love, trust, loyalty and system involved. I am aware that marriage is not just a promise to a person but also to God and the Church and at the same time I know that having a family is a full time commitment and it bears a lot of responsibility for a couple to handle.

At my age right now, marriage and family is still not on my mind that is why it is very hard for me to write this paper. I know that one day I might opt to marry and have a family, but that day is not today nor tomorrow or anywhere in the near future, for that matter. I do not bother my mind with problems I am yet to face. I am nowhere near that milestone in my life I am still enjoying my single college life. After all, distant water won’t quench my immediate thirst.

My main goal in life is to enjoy every part of it to the fullest. I want to experience all the phases in my life and get all that I can from each experience. I want to enter everything with full commitment and passion; with all readiness and willingness, thus I want to enter marriage prepared, willing and fulfilled—I have to be ready with myself first before I can give myself a whole different life.

All in all, regardless of whether or not I am able to get a husband and bear a child—I dream of having a family with the world. I want my life to be happy and I feel that happiness with every kind act I do, with every good I impart and with all the love I try to express. It’s hard but honestly, I’m very, very happy right now—I have learned to be kinder and more patient with the people around me, I have learned how to forgive and ask for forgiveness—my pride no longer gets the best of me. I love it when I walk and smiling face greet me. I am in love with the world, infatuated with life, committed to God and loyal to good—yet I am but human imperfect in all of my ways but learning with all of my mistakes. I am excited to make my dreams come true, I am excited to live tomorrow but I am happier right now and today.

Why do our parents spend so much on us?

Do you know why our parents spend so much for us?

Lavish laptops, latest phones, high-end clothes, really expensive accessories, rich food, nice rooms, study spaces, grade A supplies… have you ever been deprived? (If you say NO, then you prove my point. If you say YES, just proves how you’re spoiled. hehehe)

It seems that we have it good in life. BUT do you know why our parents spend so much on us?

Well, I have a theory! And it goes like this.

“The love you give is the love you get back” have you ever heard of that quotation? In a capitalist perspective, we are actually investments of our parents! We are actually financial, emotional, psychological, physical insurance for their lives in the future. We are either the legacies they’d leave, the assurance of their retirement or their health insurance. Just like any investment that needs to be “managed” they try to “take care of us” well. Hoping that in the future their investment will pay back (not just in financial form). And even if you don’t admit it, or if your parents find it blasphemous of me, to say it, but it is true. HAHAHAHA.

Why do you think some businessmen and entrepreneurs call their ventures their “babies?” Where do you think they got that expression, where do you think they compared it from?! Of course, baby is to parents as business venture is to businessman.

Only bold parents will admit that their child is their investment. They’d always say that they expect nothing in return. BUT if so, why do they get “disappointed” in us, if they expect nothing in return? Why do they say “I don’t deserve these grades” if they expect nothing? What would someone that expects nothing deserve?

Fact is we are their “investments” and they do expect a lot. And reality is that they do deserve a lot.

But don’t take this too smugly dude, never think that they need us, sad truth is they could have easily invested in stocks than is us. Much like in any business venture we could have easily been a rejected business plan, or proposal. And much like any existing business our parents could have easily divested, retrenched or liquidated us, if they saw that we were a waste. BUT reality is, the fact that you are able to read this blog now means that you are able to read; means that you might be in college right now; means that you have a computer, or have money to go to a net shop… which means your INVESTORS continued to invest on us, even though our stock value sometimes plummet.

Our parents invested in us because there is something to invest in. They believe that we can continue to be good investments, whether they are expressive about it or not. That is why they have expectations--- they have “expected”---- even though we sometimes “disappoint.”

So don’t get cocky knowing that you’re an investment, just keep on proving that you’re worth being invested in.

Desiderata and My Mom

The other day my mom shared to me one of her favorite poems, The Desiderata.

"Desiderata" means desired or wanted things. It was written by Max Ehrmann along-----long----long time ago. around the 1920s?

When my mom and i were talking she told me that she read the Desiderata years ago, when she was still in grade school, but she added that she already found it true then, she still finds the poem true today...

The poem is about surviving this chaotic world while being a good person---all the way.

This poem hit me hard good. I'll be frank, i'm not the nicest person in the world and nor do i pretend to be. In a lot of ways i'm much like grandfather, I come on strong, hot headed, out spoken, frank (sometimes blunt), reckless and imprudent---- hehe and more... >:) some say i'm the carbon copy of my lolo tatay, by the way i speak, i act, i work and how i come onto people. My lolo was a successful man, he was the one who laid down a good foundation for my family. Being compared to my lolo is flattering and all, but my mom says that i have to help myself become something better. because my lolo, like all of us wasn't perfect, he was strong and very brave, blunt too, moreover he didnt care much of what people thought about him, he was strict and he bows down to no one. hehehe...

So presumably i am much like him, i am inherently not-so-good or nice.. hehe.

BUT it is because of my mother that a heart exists in me. She was the one who taught me values of patience, kindness, forgiveness.... respect, humility--- and so on. My kindness comes from my mother, she is the sole reason why i even try to be nice hahaha. But I'm making myself sound soooo bad.

My point is that, my mom is my better half. She is the foundation of my life and all things i do good i attribute to her and how she raised me. She continuously pushes me to become a better individual... she showed me that, i don't have to declare war on the world to show that i'm brave, all i need to do is be myself and follow through life as i know it.. She instilled in me that, success is not all material, 3/4 of success is how people will remember you as who you were as a person.

She really is the good in me. I doubt that would have survived life w/o her... i thank her everyday because amidst this world of chaos she still expects me to put it into order. and that's what i live for, its her "expectation" of me, that i cannot disappoint. I have to be that person, that she raised me to be... even though i've made many mistakes in the past, it was because of me and my hehehe... inherent instincts... she never let me lose sight that for as long as i live i can change, and when i do, i should change for the better... and besides everytime i make a fool out of myself--- it's always when she's not around me. hahahaha... so do you see, I'm naturally my Lolo.. hehehe It's just that my mom has some ability to influence me.. hehehe :) and you know, now that i'm older-- everytime i WANT to do something STUPID, i think of her---OR i ignore her. hehehe joke. HEHEHEHE sometimes i just can't help it. hihihihih.

But, all in all, i enjoy this "good" that she teaches me, it leaves my mind at peace and conscience at ease... not having to think about every shallow thing i say, need to say, want to say, want to prove OR the shallow-er things people around me might do.

I love how she stimulates my mind to see the good amidst the bad. and among all things, i live for her. when i'm just about pissed and tired and near the brink of giving up... there i see her and i know i should never settle for something less that what i can do. but hey, i'm not the best student! of course, i'm far from that! ahahha.... but i do try. She also told me, that i should do my best in my academics, but i should also cherish the moments i have in college... and enjoy every moment of my experience, never skipping a problem or an opportunity. She said, i should grow up properly, holistically and in the right time and at the right pace... she always tells me that i should never try and speed up my life because time will always be way ahead of me, and the moments i take for granted or the sceneries i fail to see, in my speedy quest to get to where i'm headed, i might not appreciate all of what life has to offer. and she's right i should enjoy my journey, for i will never pass that way again... i get once chance at everything in life, might as well enjoy it w/o stepping on the happiness of others... my happiness should never be at the price of another's.

God gave me an angel as my mom and i'm very grateful.

This poem by Max Ehrhamm, is somewhat a summary of what she tries to teach me.. but ofcourse.. heheheh my head is kinda---- hard to crack... hehehe :D

DESIDERATA

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

MORE! MORE! MORE!

I was originally going to write about how I love movies, and film making; and how I am infatuated with things regarding the media! But then, I thought… my friends have always told me that my lists of dreams are too broad and unlimited. and I often talk about how I wanted to become a director, a movie producer, a writer, a pilot, a dentist, a doctor, a professor, a businesswoman, an economist, a elect official, a business consultant, a systems analyst, a musician, a photographer, a fashion designer, an architect, a zoologist, a veterinarian, a anthropologist, a scientist, and much, much more! So I thought to myself, it's not just directing or movie making that i'm interested it, there's so much more i want in life... Then i lingered and wondered, why could that be? so i thought...

I guess, my parents never raised my to close my door on anything. The world is of course mine for the taking, and my life is, and always will be my blank piece of paper. They never taught me how to stop dreaming, that’s why I guess, I don’t know how too. What a life they taught me to live, a life with no boundaries and filled with opportunities.

You’d probably think it is a life without direction, and maybe sometimes it may seem that way, but in actuality it’s a life worth living filled with possibilities. Because, they taught me to finish what I have started and to start only what I wanted. Moreover, it is not my profession that will dictate who I am, neither will my degree limit me, nor will my history bound me, but it is my person who makes my profession--- that give me direction and passion.

Let’s put it this way:

My parents placed me in a cliff and I am almost to fall. But before they did, they taught me, not how to fly, but how look beyond the bounds of the land I am in. They taught me how to balance and ground my feet, so as I look at the view I won’t fall. It is a trait of the mind, to be able to look as far and further beyond the boundaries of life and yet still be grounded with reason. They taught me, to never be afraid of the unknown because all I have to do is look closer and the fear goes away. Ignorance is what frightens us; to know is that which liberates the mind from fear.

So why didn’t my parents teach me how to fly? Because to fly is suicide, that is, dreaming without ambition or passion or ability or commitment. A dream is after all just and always will be a dream, a figment of the mind, an illusion of the soul. And without the means of making it real, and grounding idea with reality, then that is an unfulfilled life. Yes, it is a life as colorful as you can imagine but a life lived in sleep nonetheless.

In lieu of that, balance was what they taught me. To keep looking as far beyond as I possibly can, and still be in the bounds of reality.

But sometimes, it’s hard to live that life. To know that the universe is boundless, and at the same time to be aware that in order to live you have to limit yourself to the things most worthwhile demands much prudence. And yet I write, knowing that I have much to look forward to, because I know nothing, and I have much passion to keep on knowing.

Isn’t it much easier to live a life already laid out, planned, scripted?! Hahahaha. Not for me I guess. So whenever I think of envying, those kids whose parents already planned their future... i stop and think that I'm just afraid, because i know that i dont know what the future has for me, and that is frightening but it is, at the same time empowering to know that i am the one to make it, and all the freedom is mine to shape and mold the story that is my life!

and maybe the reason, why i can't make myself write in one direction, in one thesis is because my mind is too open, to close itself in one context. hahahah joke. nakakahilo magisip, especially when i can only think of one thing at a time. hahaha. There's so many things in life... that when i try to look around and comprehend i get dizzy, because i am, after all merely a finite being in this infinite universe.

So what do I plan with my life? First is to graduate, then see what happens from there. Hahaha.

I still want everything! and it's fun to know that i can only have a few-- the challenge is to think hard of what in everything is the most worthwhile for me.

Perfect is an illusion: thoughts on perfection

The other day I was watching TV with my mom… it struck me when I heard the tv host say that she was in search for the perfect pair of shoes, and that her search took her all over the world…

We’ll for me this is a bit stupid, and it would seem that she wasn’t really thinking about what she was saying. The shoes she bought in Hong Kong we’re nothing special and just like any other that you can find here… it wasn’t really super unique or whatever… anyways… She kept looking and looking for the perfect pair of shoes, maybe she just wanted to extend the show or whatever because if you’re really looking for that PERFECT pair of shoes, well then my dear, you must be mistaken because you’ll never find it… see, when she finds the perfect pair, she wear it and it gets worn out then it really isn’t the perfect pair of shoes after all… and soon she’d be in search for the next perfect pair… and besides, it was a TV show, what is perfect for her might have been not perfect for the audience…

Then I kept thinking about the idea of perfection…

I realized that we keep looking for it, the perfect mate, perfect shoes, perfect grades, perfect life… but we never get it. You know why? Because we’re naturally never satisfied… satisfaction is only momentary… like everything else in this world, our contentment and satisfaction is subjected to time… and if we’re never satisfied, then perfection remains just an illusion--- something we always hope for but will never actually hold or concretely have.

It is in our natural instinct to keep on searching and working for the next big thing…

Look at ourselves now, at this very moment…

our lungs have never been satisfied with the amount of air it brings in our body, that’s why we keep on breathing…

our stomachs are never really truly contented with the amount of food we take in, because after a few hours we’re hungry again…

our thirst is only momentarily satisfied because after we’ve done some things and we’ve moved around, we get thirsty again…

our eyes keep on looking around, never satisfied with one picture or one view to look at…

and so on…

see, our body itself has a hard time to be at a perfect state… we keep on breathing, digesting, looking, seeing and so on… we’re naturally imperfect and it’s reflected in our body itself.

the fact that you’re reading this essay now means that the previous word you read is not enough to satisfy you, or basically you continue reading because if you stop in the middle then this blog wouldn’t make much sense, would it?...

Look at me for example… I’m continuously typing and typing my hands out… never fully satisfied with what I wrote before… in fact I wasn’t even satisfied that I was able to think or generate a thought… I even felt the need to express myself more through this blog…

So as we continue to breathe, it is a living and concrete statement that: perfection can never be achieved as long as our body still needs something…. But perfection can only aimed for, when we are continuously trying or “something””+ing”…

maybe when we’re dead that’s the time we’re perfect (but that is a big maybe) because we wont feel the need to satisfy anything anymore…

but isn’t it soooo much fun to keep on reaching for that ‘apple’ in the tree (perfection) and as we think we’re almost about to get a hold of it… we just realize that it’s even further up than we thought, so we just continue to reach until we cannot reach anymore… and sometimes, we think we got the perfect apple already, but then we realize that we got the wrong --- so we reach again… hahaha.

So I guess, the fact that we are able to ‘realize’ imperfection is another cause of why there can never be perfection… because we continuously think and think and think and think some more… that nothing is ever truly perfectly perfect in time.

--- Isn’t it humbling to know that we can never be perfect in this lifetime? Or that we can never be perfect in all perspectives… and that as we continue to live and breathe, it only means that our bodies and our selves are continuously imperfect and consistently in need for more.

I guess, humility is really a key to life especially for those who think they’re perfect. Too bad for them because, the moment we think of ourselves as perfect beings then there is really no more room to grow and learn, isn’t there? That’s death for me. And That would be somewhat the state of a living dead; no excitement anymore, nothing more to reach for or hope for or need to satisfy anymore… for me that is really foolish, to spend a life thinking that you’re perfect, in fact I think it’s a waste of life… hahahaha, no offense.

Life is too infinite for us to put a finite ending to it; the state of perfection is for me a limiting factor in life because how could you be perfect?! Perfect in what sense? In what perspective?

life is too big a gift for us to box, it should be a continuous adventure, hence a ‘journey’ or an endless quest of learning, realizing, growing and stuff… and death is something that just makes us realize that we have ‘time’ to consider and a day to make worthwhile because that's just how long we're staying here.... 'just for a while'…

so if you're one of those who think of 'perfect' as if it was something concrete, then i hope i enlightened you OR i hope that i confused you more! because if you're confused now, then it really means that you're not perfect, doesn't it?! hahahaha and neither is the author! hahahaha >:P