I’ve been converting old home videos for a while now… and as i watch the videos of my past it's like im was in a conversation with a life not that well known to me. i know it was me in the video but it's my first time to actually understand how i lived when i was a baby... i always knew that i was loved and taken care of but i never knew to what extent... syempre wala pa akong isip non... everything was just a blur to me. So now that i've been watching with open eyes and mind... I’ve realized a lot…
One is that my dad must really love me, to actually video tape my growth from infancy to teen years. It really gave me a new appreciation for him. What can I say?! He really documented my life, and I’m very grateful… (makes me think on how I can ever pay him back or at least return the favor)
Another is that, PARENTING is no laughing matter… my gash, there are too many factors to consider before you’d even try to venture into this crazy world of parenting. In watching the video, I saw the patience, love, trust and more patience that my parents showed me. And the TIME they invested in me was incomparable; playing with me, taking me to a lot of places; letting me loose in the house; feeding me; taking care of me; and so on. It was as if I was the center of their universe, and as narcissistic or self-conceited as that may sound, it was the message I got in the video… imagine I was video taped around everyday and my baby life wasn’t that exciting… it was basically me walking, laughing, crying, eating, crying, eating and laughing some more, it wasn’t as if I was doing gymnastics or stunts or whatever, it was just me being a baby and my dad took the time to actually be there with me and tape that… I really admire how they loved me. I guess, I use the term unconditional love so loosely that it made me fail to realize what it actually meant. And in watching the videos, I saw how this vague concept of an ‘unconditional’ kind of love was in application… it’s one thing to know the theory, it’s really a whole different experience to see in application.
Moreover, it makes me look so foolish when I think back and remember how much of a pain in the A@# I was during puberty. I talked back, said nasty things and so on… I even went to a period where I was in the ‘only my friend understand me’ stage… and ‘I hate you’ period… I’m a very dramatic child (a polite way of saying na ang dami kong kaartehan)… nung times naman kasi na nagmamatigas ako, usually I’m blinded by the situation or event… it’s hard to have big picture view at that time, especially because I was just a kid! I didn’t know much, and neither did I appreciate much nor realize how much I’ve been given… in short, I took a lot of things from granted… now I’m trying to be more grateful… another word with a new meaning for me is ‘spoiled’ and ‘brat’ ehhehe. Malay ko ba. I was once referred to as spoiled, and at that time it never occurred to me as an insult or whatever. It was for me, just a word. But now I know why they once called me that… and it’s because I was spoiled and I took a lot of things for granted… I lacked appreciation for my good fortune… I guess I was too caught up in asking for more, that I failed to realize that I already had a lot on my hands…
Ngayon din alam ko na kung bakit ako close sa parents ko. It is because they raised me close to them. They were the ones who made me feel that I could turn to them when I wanted or needed. Because all the while I thought it was me who opened up to them and chose to be close to them, I guess I was mistaken. My Parents designed the structure or culture in our home, in a way that made them available to me. My dad was always at home and his real office was just next door; while my mom really stayed with me and took care of me as a housewife. They practically trained me to be close to them.
I guess my mom must have really wanted me (to have a baby) because she could have been a successful lawyer or whatever but she chose to stay at home and be with me. And I’m very grateful. Maybe my mom was the type that really wanted a kid, and I know that that was what made here such a great mom. It was because she wanted me and not because she just had me. So in a way, I guess, I came from passion and love.. because not all mothers wanted to be a mother… (some are half-hearted, some really didn’t want to, some are confused and so on…) I guess, it’s already something to be brought into life but it’s a whole different feeling to be born and welcomed into life with open arms. I’m at awe, on how lucky I am to belong to one of those mothers who’s life passion is in motherhood.
And now that I know all these… I must put knowledge into good use otherwise it’ll be useless.
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