A Defining Moment

Heart crushed. Blood pumping. Eyes Melting. Body crippled. It was as if my college life was flashed before me. Feeling down yet intensely emotional. Unsure and weary yet still strong willed and determined. What will happen now?

I was late for the OCCS career talk, an alternative class for PERSEF3.

All my life I try my best to be on time and the one time I’m late is the one time it counts. I cannot express in words how pissed off I am, of everything. Of course, I’d usually tell myself “SHIT happens in life” but this really stinks as hell. It’s as if I step on to the fertilizer world, now I’m covered with bullshit.

But you know what, after that one-hour word-trashing session with Carina, I felt a bit better.

And now, all I know is that I will never ever be late in my life again.

“We are the decision we make”—I’ve known that for a long time now, but it seems that I came short in execution. It would appear that I really didn’t understand it.

I hate it, I hate this feeling I have right now—pissed off to the ultimate level yet trying hard to be diplomatic and rational. I keep wanting to say ‘it’s not my fault’; ‘I don’t understand’; or even ‘why the fuck did this happen to me’ but then my better being keeps whispering to my ear and consciousness that--- it is my fault and I deserve it.

It’s amazing how the smallest decision I made during the morning affected me immensely. Consistency is what I lacked; and it’s funny because all this time Consistency is what I’ve been trying to achieve. I’ve been a mediocre to my own values; I’m a hypocrite with my own beliefs.

I was half asleep when my mom woke me up at 7:00am but then I said to myself ‘why not extend my sleep a little bit more’—so I did. I rose from my bed at 7:15am. I took a bath and dressed up—I was done at 7:40am. And here’s the funny thing I even told the made to re-iron my clothes. I waited a couple of minutes just so that my clothes were wrinkle free. Anyways, I was in no rush—I observed all my usual morning rituals—I drank coffee, brushed my teeth, and prepared my stuff. I left my house at 7:50am. I was already in the Benilde-St. Scho area when the clock struck 8:00am. I reached school by 8:10--- and finally got to the classroom by 8:15am. I was 15 minutes late. And It was amazing how much I was so aware of the time. Stupid me, I was aware but I didn’t value my awareness—I failed to act on the information I knew.

So now, I’m letting go of the grief, anger and self-pity—but I will never forget about this defining day of February 21, 2009.